Dr. Mohsen Saffar sarcastic stories

By Mohsin al-Saffar

when Saeed went to one of the government departments to complete some needed work, he was expecting that the whole process takes a period of no more than half an hour because of its simplicity, in the reception an officer led him to the concerned section which is located on the sixth floor and as the answer to his question of where the elevator was? the employee told him that the elevator is disabled since 6 months for lack of a budget to do the maintenance works !! Saeed ascended the stairs to the sixth floor, cursing the person who invented high buildings without considering the budget of state institutions non capable of payment for maintenance charges for the elevators , after he reached the sixth floor, with his heart beating with a sound , higher than drum in a wedding, he entered the floor and asked the first officer he met about the section , the man carelessly answered that this section a few days ago moved to the second floor and there was no time to notify the Information Section of this transformation .

Saeed, went down again with anger on his face until he reached the second floor and entered the office where a Fat Girl carrying a half a meter long sandwich in one hand and in the other hand, a book entitled How to get a slim body without diet? Saeed smiled on this situation, as the thought that this book in the case of this girl is closer to science fiction books!! He asked her about his request and she replied with her mouth full with:

- Wait until I finish I am a human being and not octopus with 8 hands !

Saeed’s looked at her, and thought, surely you are not octopus You are closer to the whale, but he smiled and said:

- Until you finish reading the book, or eating the sandwich?

The employee put the sandwich on the table angrily and said to Saeed:

- I want the records of this request from the archives, go to the sixth floor as the Archive is still there!

saeed went crazy after this talk, and angrily said to the girl:

- why do you move the sections in installments and not one time? By Allah, my heart will not take to climb there again, but I have an idea, why do not you go up and bring the records and you will be able to lose weight without diet and no need for this book? Is it not a great idea?

The result of great idea was that his request has been delayed for a full month to complete the transfer of the archive to the second floor and the girl refused all his begging and apologizes.

While he was on his way to the exit, the Director of the department came down of his Mercedes luxury car and walked into his office on the first floor, saeed laughed and said to the reception guy:

- it is clear that you really suffer from a deficit in the budget, but if the office of the Director was on the seventh floor , you would have elevator and from Mercedes brand as well!!

Saeed in Guantánamo
By Mohsen al-Saffar
Saeed sat in prison looking at the wall all day, as he was thinking of his incredible journey that from medical treatment in the United States led him to the notorious Guantanamo Bay, after months of revisions to the U.S. embassy and the presentation of documents and testimonies indicate that he was going for treatment in one of the leading hospitals staffed by his cousin , the great surgeon who emigrated to America years ago after he was fed up with bureaucracy in his country that have prevented progress in his research, recently acquired a medical visa and carrying his luggage and on the top a copy of the holly Quran , and boarded the plane there he start a chat with the passenger next to him who speaks a little of Arabic and telling his story with the disease :
- the disease made on my body attack, attack, then I went to the hospital they said that I have got an explosion in the number of cancer cells (pointed with his hand showing like explosion), but I, thank God fired the immune system in my body and I said to myself, Jihad, Jihad against the disease, Allah Akbar, and thanks to Allah I was able control it , and now I am going to America to complete the task.
When the plane arrived in America he was surprised with number of FBI agents waiting for him and took him immediately to a room at the airport and one of them started asking the questions through an interpreter that, speaks Arabic:
- Where are you from? And in favor of what group you act? And what is the target that you bombed it? And where did take part in jihad (holy war)? Afghanistan? Somalia? Iraq? Where? Talk.
Answered Said, a great difficulty swallowing his saliva:
- which Iraq and what Afghanistan? or Somalia? I did not see these countries in my life and I’m not a fighter but a retired teacher.
the FBI agent hit him on his head vigorously and said, through translator:
- no use from denial, one of our agents was on the plane and he heard you talking about your activities and terrorist actions, now admitted what target you want to destroy in the USA?
Said answered:
- One thing I want is to destroy cancer cells in my body
- so you call America and its citizens cancer cells? You are scum.
Said and his head reeling from the head pain
- I’m not a terrorist and I’m not a fighter, and I’m here to treat my cancer only , I swear to you on the Quran in my bag I’m not a terrorist.
When the FBI agent heard the word Quran he became angry and said:
- You carry the Quran with you? there’s no doubt you are a terrorist and want to kill innocent citizens in America you will be send to Guantanamo immediately, you scum bag.
Saied was surprised and said to the agent :
- But U.S. President Barack Obama has promised to close the prison at Guantanamo How you will send me there?
the FBI agent replied sarcastically:
- The president promised to close the prison number one in Guantanamo but he issued orders for the construction of Prison No. 2 in the same time, it will be the relocation of prisoners from prison to prison, 1 and 2 Thus, the President has fulfilled his promise at the same time and we kept the terrorists like you in the right place where they should be .
Thus, Said became client No. 1 for the Guantánamo No. 2!!

Integrity in the new Iraq
By Mohsen al-Saffar

the God’s curse on such integrity these were the words reluctant in the mind of Said, writing his resignation from the Commission on Public Integrity, which had recently been appointed, when he received the appointment he was thinking with himself I will show all the corrupted people , O thieves beware, O vampires that drinks the blood of the people some one has come to you that have no mercy ,and I will get back what ever you have stolen of the people and made the poor poorer, and above there misery have built palaces and all of you have become millionaires. Yes, time for retribution and you’ll find out who is said the criminals slayer and overwhelming the corruption!!

Said that night walked in the streets of Baghdad, he saw overflowing drains and muddy water, and people trying to find their way between them and thought to himself what the former defense minister stolen was sufficient to establish a new sewage network for the entire city, O my lord do not let him enjoy his life , Baghdad shortly after dark without electricity, and thought what the electricity officials stolen was sufficient to establish 10 new power plants I big God, that they will be executed on electric chair, but where you will run of my hand? I’m in wait for you and the days between us!!
In the following days he spent a lot of time studying the files and identifying gaps in financial and able to detect a lot of abuse, theft and embezzlement in several ministries supported by documentary evidence to send those responsible to jail immediately, taking the report and requested appointment from the chairman of the Commission to be briefed on the outcome , in the meeting he explained to him every thing, the Chairman of the Commission listened to him then he said recently :

- Thank you for your efforts brother said and God bless you , but …

- But what sir ?

- Can not take any action against the official of reconstruction of schools who stole $ 100 million, leaving students out in the open air because he is one of the relatives of Prime Minister, nor the official for food ration delicious that stole 80 million leaving people starving because he is the Assistant to the President nor the official of re-equip the airport, which bought the bad aircrafts that no any major airport is allowing them to land is the brother of speaker of parliament and the arms procurement official who bought weapons that instead of killing enemy kills our soldiers because he is the brother of the minister , you can take the necessary action against the rest

- what rest ? the only left is one officer which used car of his department, to take his wife to the hospital without permission from the Director

- Yes, this is the real corruption that is laxity of state funds for personal purposes people like these should be fought and beaten with an iron hand for those the integrity commission was founded , and trust in God and do your duty and do not fear any one we are not subject to any pressure from anybody , and now excuse me I have to go to London to inspect the palace, which I bought from the sweep of my forehead for thirty five million pounds!!

The story of the shepherd and the wolf

the era of globalization version

By Mohsen al-Saffar

The shepherd was out all day with his sheep feeding them in the city garbage yards after being extinct grasslands and plains and became a high-rise concrete buildings owned by people which have assets in banks and stock exchanges higher than the buildings , the shepherd was sitting in the rubbish feeling lonely and brook , envying the blessed people how live their carefree and comfort life , he decided to invent a game playing to come out of his boring life and make him look important person in the eyes of the people of the city, his mind came up with a idea he cried one day in his loudest voice:

- Rescue, Rescue, O people help me I have been attacked by people from the other sect and they want to kill me because I provide meet for you and they want you to be weak so they can to attack you .

When the people of the city heard the name of the other sect, men and women each of them carrying any weapon, which could lay his or her hands on and came to neighborhoods inhabited by people of other sect, and battles have been waged for several days in which blood flowed from both sides and kill the men and widowed women and orphaned children until everyone knew that it was false news and every one went back home .

The shepherd laughed on these fools and how they attacked their neighbors without thought or even checking the sheep to see if they are really stolen.

After a period he decided to entertain once again, and started shouting in his loudest voice:

- Rescue, Rescue religious militants want to steal sheep and put bombs in theme and kill you!!

once again the people of the city, carrying arms came to a religious school near the home and clashed with the students, and once again there rivers of blood and killed people till everyone knew the story was a lie And all returned to the place.

After the shepherd decided to repeat it and he hide the sheep and ran to the city shouting :

- Help, help liberals want to kill and steal the sheep and skin them and put on the pigs and make you eat theme, Help!!

Again the people of the city and attacked the cultural and scientific centers and newspapers of the liberals, Fighting took place and once again the people of the city discovered that the Shepherd had lied to them and they decided that they will never believe him , never whatever he said or did.

When the shepherd decided to repeat it nobody believed him and no one of the people of the city was ready to fight with any one ,

The shepherd was surprised to receive a very attractive job offer to work as a producer of News in a famous Arab news TV channel!!

the man who have two wives is like single

Written by : Dr – Mohsin Al Saffar

Said has just entered his work place with fatigue signs upon his face, and the waking up anxiety and uncomfortablness effects appeared on him like he was one of those whom under attack of Israeli trip on Gaza. He sit on his chair, called the office attendant : ” Good morning Abu Ahmed, I want you to bring me breakfast, I’m damn hungry ” .

Said’s workmate was surprised.. and said : “Said ! You never have your breakfast here, you always eat at home before you come to your work” .

” Oh my brother, I swear that I have endless troubles with my wife, we fight before sleeping, at early morning, these days I run away from home before my wife wakes up to avoid fighting with her, So you see me before I have my breakfast ” Said answered sadly.

“Oh my God .. Why fighting?” Said’s workmate asked .

- Everything cause fights , like our kids, their schools, my mother and hers, my work, and nighbours, my house become like reconciling sessions between Fath and Hamas, every time we solve a problem; many other problems emerge and we always turn to the Zero-Point !!” Said answered.

- “You want me to give you a solution ?” Said’s workmate asked.

- ” Please do it” . Said answered.

- ” Do like what I did, marry again”. Said’s workmate said.

- ” What ?!! Are you serious? You want me to marry again after 10 years from my 1st marriage, and after having 3 kids? ” Said asked .

- ” What’s wrong with that? the 2nd marriage is not a compromising or forbidden thing ” Said’s workmate answered.

- ” Brother .. For sure its not compromising or forbidden thing, but its not easy to have a new wife and family after these long years ” Said said.

1

- ” I swear by Allah, I married for the 2nd time, I’m very happy, I feel myself like G.W.BUSH among Arabic Countries Leaders; mollycoddled, lovable, all dancing, saying sweetest words for me and saying ” We are always at you service ” Siad’s workmate said.

- ” Brother !! Don’t implant the idea in my mind don’t let me do something and regret after doing it ” Said said.

- ” Put your trust in Allah man, I have a youngful, beautiful, and noble girl for you, just agree with me and you wont regret” Said’s workmate said.

Therefore Said married for the 2nd time, after prestigious persons converted his 1st wife and her family to agree with this act.

Said began to spend his 2nd honeymoon, he felt himself like young man again, the new wife was hovering around him like butterfly, he thanked God for this gift, and he asked God to give all well-beings for his workmate ” Waheed” who advised him to marry again.

Days had gone so fast, honeymoon had been ended, the economic burden appeared on Said like the International Economic Slump, his bank balance began to gave away like Arabic Bourses, he not only didn’t have to buy everything for his wives to achieve fairness, but also he had to appease his kids in order to make them never despise him and accuse him by cheating their mother by spending spree, now Said have relatives for both wives, what follow from this is: giving more presents, attending more occasions, making more beanfeasts. The fatigue appeared on him because of his inescapable daily marital duties or he would be accused by that he is avoiding it, or accused by being one-sidedness for 1 of his wives.

The troubles emerged at the new wife’s home like it was at the 1st one, Said now fight in the two houses, he leaves home everyday without having and sleeping without having dinner in the other home.

One day he went to his 1st wife’s house who was angry from him, she refused to open the door for him and said : ” Go to your new wife, go to your sweetheart, there is no place here for you, and I wont open the door for you even the boundaries among Arabic countries opened !!”

When he reached his new wife’s house who was angry from him too she said : ” Go back to your old wife, the mother of your kids , whatever you like to call her, my house door will be locked on your face like Rafah’s Cross-road for Palestinians” .

2

Said become ill-at-ease, he was thinking about the place which he can stay that night, he went to the mosque and knocked on the door, when the mosque worker saw Said, he didn’t ask him about anything he just opened the door for him, as soon as he entered he was surprised as he saw his friend ” Waheed”, then he shouted : ” Oh my God .. Waheed !! What are you doing here?

- ” I’m doing the same you do, my wives ejected me, and I used to sleep at least 2 nights here every week ” Wheed answered.

- ” Since when ? ” Said asked.

- ” Since I married for the second time ” Waheed answered.

- ” So, why you encouraged me to marry again ? ” Said asked .

- ” To be honest with you, I got sick from spending nights alone here, I wanted to have a friend, sharing speech with him, and thanks Allah, you come, and we will spend many nights together” Waheed answered.

Exemplary :

If you marry more than 1 wife, be sure that the mosque worker know you, and be sure that he will let you spend the night inside the mosque !!!

Translated by : Mokhtar Mohammed Mokhtar.

Egypt

www.t-moka.4ulike.com

Gaza and the Arab Media

Mohsen Alsaffar
The young Journalist, Saeed, entered into the office of the chief editor of the magazine he’s been working at for the past few months. Going in, he was welcomed with honor

• My dear Saeed, you’ve proven yourself to be a competent journalist in a very short time.
• Thank you Sir
• And as reward I’ve decided to let you write our head article this issue, Gaza
• Thank you Sir, to be honest this topic interests me personally, the incidents happening in Gaza are painful to every Arab and Muslim
• Yes, yes, you are correct
• I’ll start right away; it’ll be a powerful piece.
• Well done son, but before you start, just a small note….
• What is it sir?
• You know our magazine is not backed by any statesmen (people in power)
• So?
• So your article shouldn’t be critical of the Arab governments that have joined in the blockade on Gaza actively and proudly, Please don’t bring any trouble to us from the Secret Service. I don’t want our magazine to be accused to attempting to sour relations with neighboring countries.
• Alright sir I’ll try to deal with that issue carefully I know tensions between Arab countries are high.
• Well done son, another small request
• What is it Sir?
• You know our magazine is distributed in Western Europe and the US and we don’t want to be accused of supporting terrorism or be banned from distribution, please don’t mention the resistance of the right of the Palestinians to defend themselves, we don’t want any troubles.
• Yes sir, even though I don’t understand how an unarmed nation can defending itself against a large army can be called terrorism
• Well done son, also don’t get into talking about Rich Arabs and their lavish spending on singers and dancers while the people of Gaza are dying of hunger every day, you know a lot of our funding comes from ads from companies owned by these people. If they’re not happy, we won’t see their money anymore.

Saeed at this point was getting angry, but he held himself and asked

• Consider done sir, anything else?
• Excellent son, but I don’t need to remind you, don’t talk about the children of Gaza dying of hunger and disease while the Arab media is getting busy with shows of Ms Universe and the Western media is busy with a news story about a giving dog found in Iraq rights so it can live in the states. We don’t want to upset animal rights groups.
• Amazing, what else?
• Nothing, that’s all, thank you very much.
• Are you sure? Nothing else? Anyone else you want to warn me from upsetting?
• Well since you mention it, you know how religious debate is going on these days; we don’t want to cease that from happening, maybe if you could avoid talking about the Jews and their oppression of Palestinians and destroying and insulting their holy sites?
• Yes sir,

Saeed then left the Chief Editor’s office fuming and wondering how on earth he is going to write about Gaza with all these limitations placed. Next day the Chief Editor receive this article

Gaza: A first class health resort.

The people of Gaza are living it up in style after following the advice of their doctors and following a health regiment that stipulates avoiding all types of food that raise the levels of cholesterol and blood pressure and weight, they’ve also stopped using all polluting elements including petrol products.
They’ve also decided to take up walking which is very healthy for the body, especially for old people and the handicapped and the sick and pregnant women.

Also, due to recent findings about modern medicine’s harms and its effects on the body’s immunity system, the people of Gaza are resorting to the healthier choice of herbal medicine.

The Men, women and children of Gaza would like to convey their warmest gratitude to all the governments and regimes who have supported the Gaza blockade that has provided such healthy living standards away from all of civilization’s harmful temptations, and they pray that God would bring this beneficial blockade to all those who contributed to it of the Arab governments, and their family and children.
They also give their heartiest apologies to the Israel government for having to use so much of its army to ensure the stoppage of all harmful elements into Gaza’s health city.

• What is this Saeed? Have you gone mad?

• In fact sir, this is the reality, according to your instructions, these are essentially no blockade, and it’s just another high class holiday resort called Gaza!

Happy blockade

Quiet, Quiet Please

By Dr.Mohsen Al Saffar

      Who among us can hate calmness? Is there any feeling better than sitting at home & relishing moments of peace of mind whilst hearing no noises nor disturbing sounds, particularly for those who are nature lovers or men of letters?

     This is exactly what our friend, Saeed was thinking of. Saeed, a novelist & a bachelor decided to move from the bustle down town with its nonstop noise day & night to a humble rural home at the outskirts of the city where stillness prevails throughout the whole day.

      His new home is spot of silence where the only high tone he could hear is a bird chirp on trees. He almost had a nervous breakdown due to the deafening clamors he used to hear at the old house which made his health worsened, his innovations dwindled and his creative skills diminished that he was unable to write a single word for long months.

      Saeed had to pay the rent of 6 months in advance, which was un-recoverable upon an advice of a real estate dealer who told him that the landlord would not give up this condition. Though he was in an unenviable situation & the new house was extremely gorgeous, Saeed had to accept the condition without the least hesitation.

       On the fixed day, his furniture arrived at the new house. Laborers were hectic bringing things down from the pick-up & putting them up till all furniture pieces were properly fixed. Later, workers left & cleaning started all over the place. Saeed was so exhausted that he fell in deep undisturbed sleep that he enjoyed to the full for the first time after long years of living in clamor, alarms & cries of children.

        In the early morning, Saeed woke up & enthusiastically held his pen to start writing his first line on paper. Suddenly the door bell rang & he went towards the door reluctantly. He was surprised to glimpse a young boy at the age of 10 standing at the threshold of the door saying:

- Good Morning sir, how are you?

- Hello, son. What do you want ?

- I am Ahmed, he said it in a confident tone, as if he is the famous Ahmed Orabi, a Egyptian great military  figure, and as if everyone else should know him.

- Welcome, young man

- I sell newspapers every morning in this town. Do you want newspapers everyday? Which newspaper do you prefer? Ahram, Akhbar, or Jamohoriya?

- No Ahmed, the reason I am here is that I want to be away from almost everything. I do not need newspapers. I do not want to know news or problems that take place every day.

- Ok

      The young boy left in despair after failing to win a new customer. Saeed went back to his desk & held his pen starting again to write the first line. Suddenly, the door bell rang again. Saeed moved heavily towards the door to answer it. He saw a lady in rural costume standing there. She addressed him in a pure rural accent saying:

- Good Morning master, how are you?

- I am not your master, not even the master of myself. How can I help you?

- I am Hanim. May God give you all happiness, my master. I am your servant, Umm Ahmed(mother of ahmed).   

- Yes Umm Ahmed, how can I help you”

- I am here to help you, sir. By the way, what is the name of your mother to address you as son of lady — , please?

- Oh God, give me more patience please. My mother’s name is Fatima.

- May God preserve you, son of Fatima.

- Please I need to go, what do you want?

- Sir. I bake the best pastry in town. Can I bring you some very sweet delicious pastries everyday?

- No. I suffer from diabetes & blood pressure. How can I eat this stuff everyday? Why don’t you bring a gun & shot me instead? Do you want to kill me?

- No Sir. This can not happen. May God preserve you against evil. Yet, this is a good idea, Sir because when you are killed, your photo will be published in newspapers which my son Ahmed sell everyday.

- Is Ahmed your son?

- Of course my son. Do you think he can be my father?

- it’s my great pleasure and good bye. 

        Saeed banged the door & returned to his desk. He began writing till he finished the first page. He felt enthusiastic for writing continuously till the end of the book. He held the second paper & hardly began writing when the door bell rang again. Saeed frowned & got up to open the door. He glimpsed a rural man standing there with a wide smile but hidden under his thick mustache.

 - Hello my lord

- lord? One hour ago I was a master, and now I am a lord. By the end of the day I shall be My Excellency. How can I help you?

- I am Ahmed’s father, my lord.

- Oh Really. Ahmed’s father in person! Don’t tell me that you are the father of Ahmed who sells newspapers & the husband of Umm Ahmed who bakes pastries!

- Correct, my lord.

- It is my pleasure Abu Ahmed, what can I do for you?

- my lord, I am the best guy in cleaning cars in town. Do you want me to clean your car every day? Your car will be extremely glittering.

- Can you see any car parking outside in front of this door?

- No

- Then, this means that I do not have a car, man.

- Is there any lord without a car?

- What a long day, God. I am not a lord. I do not have a car. Even If I have a car, I do not want anyone to clean it.

- Ok, do not get nervous. Good bye.

     Saeed returned to his desk & started writing again. He grew nervous gradually. He boiled the pot & drank a cup of dark tea to relax upon the advice of his doctor after quitting smoking.

      After half an hour he held a paper in his hand & started writing. When he hardly finished the first line, the door bell rang and Saeed was fuming with anger. He gnashed his teeth & opened the door nervously. He glimpsed a young lady in rural costume wearing a scarf over the head. She greeted him with a shy look, saying:

- Hello Sir.

- Hello, how can I help you my sister?

- Spinster? Spinster? Do you see me ugly to call me spinster? There are thousands men who wish to marry me, but I am not thinking of marriage at present.

- My lady. Did I say “spinster”? I said “sister”

- Your sister? Thanks sir, my name is Hameeda, sister of Ahmed.

- God damn this Ahmed & his endless family. What do you want?

- sir, I am the best woman in washing clothes in the entire directorate. Do you want me to wash your clothes?

- No thanks, I have a washing machine.

- What do you mean by having a washing machine? Who is she? Don’t tell me it’s Hawanim, because she always takes customers away from me.

- Madam, first; I am not your customer, secondly; I have an electric washing machine, thirdly; thanks & good bye.

- As you wish, Sir. Do you think that washing machine has better hands and can wash better than my hands?

- tell me, do you have any other brothers & sisters?

- No

- Thanks God. This is good news.

     The lady went away & Saeed sat on a chair after his mind was fully distracted. He decided to take a cold shower thinking it might help in calming him down.

      Saeed went out of the bathroom & felt comfortable. He forgot Ahmed & his family, and started writing again till he reached the middle of the page when he heard a donkey braying like a thunder in his ears continuously. 

     Few minutes later, Saeed rushed out of the house to see the braying donkey. He glimpsed a man standing in the street beside the window gripping the donkey firmly. Saeed went to him directly with heated wrath.

 - Why do you stand here, man?

- It is not your business, man. Do you see me standing in the middle of your house? I am standing in a public place.

- Yes, but your donkey is disturbing me & you are standing close to my window.

- What can I do for you? It is a donkey & what you are hearing is its voice. Do you want me to use a silencer?

- Why do you stand here deliberately? Are you waiting for anyone?

- Yes this donkey belongs to Abu Ahmed & I am waiting for him to come and take the donkey. Also my cousin will come here after one hour to bring a cow so that my uncle would come & take both together. We do this arrangement twice a day in the morning & afternoon. Do you understand?

- May God take away your soul & souls of Abu Ahmed & the donkey & myself too. Do you guys intend to drive me crazy? This is terrible. I have escaped from Cairo because of its clamor & decided to live in the countryside to enjoy tranquility. But since this morning I have nothing but disturbing chats about papers, pastries, car wash, clothes washing, and now about a donkey & a cow. What should I do now with you? The best thing I can do now is to leave this place immediately. May God compensate me for the 6 months rent which I paid in advance. May God inflict mishaps upon all of you, guys. On God I only count.

      Saeed packed his things hurriedly & left the new house heading for Cairo again.

      Abu Ahmed was sitting with his wife, son & daughter whilst laughing hysterically at the scene. Abu Ahmed, then sarcastically said:

 - Can you see now my wife, this is the third tenant who came to seek calmness in our house & we forced him to pay 6 months rent in advance but now he fled away on the first day of the rent after we made him crazy with our devilish tricks. Tomorrow morning I shall ask Hanafy, our real estate dealer, to fish for another foolish tenant whom we can dupe & deceive to snatch few pounds from him by hoax. Hahahahahah, I heard Saeed is an educated guy who came in quest of illusionary calmness. How a foolish guy

-End-